The first time was in 1997. My family lived in Carlisle, a small town in southern Pennsylvania. I was 12 years old and school had just started. I was in seventh grade. I was sitting in my room and listening to Third Eye Blind's self-titled debut album on a Sanyo CD player hooked up to a boombox. Naturally, I was listening to song number three, Semi-Charmed Life. My bedroom was on the second floor of our house, at the end of the hallway. As the lyrics blasted through my paper-coned speakers, I was fiddling with seashells that I took from my bookcase. I wondered if I could hear the ocean in them. I put them up to my ear and listened. I swear I heard waves roll in. I was also thinking about a girl, Eva. I had a huge, seventh grade sized crush on her. She told me earlier that day, by checking a box on a note, that she liked me too. Because of that note, in that moment, on my bedroom floor with Third Eye Blind, I could do anything. I was invincible.
The second time was in April of 2007. I attended a Jack's Mannequin show at UMSL with Sean. We were fortunate enough to get on the bus after the show and we met a girl. I didn't know it at the time, but after that night, neither of our lives would really be the same. Her name was Amanda Heins. She was beautiful. Her laugh was contagious, her sense of humor spectacular. The first thing I noticed, almost instantly, was her smile. I extended my arm to shake her hand. The corners of her mouth quirked upward revealing a sincere happiness on her face. She didn't go for the handshake and went straight for a hug.
"I"m Amanda."
Later that night, on the tour bus, she would tell us her story over a few shots of Jaeger. She got to know Andrew McMahon (vocals/piano for Jack's Mannequin) because she had been diagnosed with the same kind of leukemia as him. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia. Fortunately, they had both beat the disease. Her story was incredible. A courageous story of survival and perseverance. Because of both of their battles, Sean and I were on that bus, meeting one of our favorite musicians and Amanda - who would become one of our favorite people. The odds of four people converging on that bus, at that point in time, with the obstacles that two of them had to overcome, are astronomical at best.
The third time was when Amanda's leukemia came back. I didn't think anything was possible because the disease was back. I didn't think anything was possible because lightning struck the same place twice. It was because Amanda was unphased. In her mind, ever the optimist, this was just an obstacle for her to overcome. I was more scared than she was. Amanda, being Amanda, comforted me. It was time, as she said, to "sound the battle horn." One night, Sean, Laura, Amanda and I met at Mosaic so we could "plump her up" before her chemo. She smiled the entire time. Before going into the hospital she colored her hair Bubble Gum Pink and had a photo shoot.
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| Still smiling. |
The fourth time was at her funeral, in Illinois. The service had ended and we were at her church eating. I talked to her mother while we were in line.
"It was a beautiful day, wasn't it?" she asked me. It really was a perfect day. The sun was out and the temperature was comfortable. "It absolutely was. Amanda must've been smiling." It seemed cheesy, but I meant it. I clenched and unclenched my hands, nervously. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to vocalize or not, but I meant it. Amanda's mother looked at me and said "Yep, she must have been smiling." She grabbed my hand, smiled, and then gave me a big hug, just like Amanda did the first time I met her.
That's when I felt like anything was possible. That Amanda can still make me feel better, even then. The way her mother smiled reminded me of seeing Amanda smile with her pink hair, and that night on the tour bus. It took me back to the floor of my house in Carlisle, where I was invincible, listening to Third Eye Blind and fiddling with a sea shell and if I held that shell up to my ear, I'd swear I could hear the ocean. I'm still living the fourth time. I still believe anything is possible. I have Amanda to thank for that.
Light the Night is this weekend in Forest Park. Light the Night is Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's evening walk and fundraiser. It is the nation's night to pay tribute and bring hope to thousands of people battling blood cancers and to commemorate loved ones lost. If you'd like to donate, please visit Amanda's CaringBridge for a list of teams.
